Why aren't the Red Sox hot?

Alcor has me completely wireless in here, it's great. Gives Ted Williams a chance troll. Here she is again, get used to it.
Gotta a question from a loyal reader-

Mr Williams,
Can you tell me why the Red Sox are so bad? -Donny in Dorchester

Sure I can Dohnny,
1. Vlad Guerrero is 53 years old and crippled, and he stole a base last night off Martinez.
2. Jacoby looks good and all, but he has to stop running into guys, all that rah rah shit only goes so far. I hear Trot Nixon is cutting grass in Georgia.
3. Aces - I thought they had three or four, when do they show up?
4. JD Drew - sweet swing, but that swing has yet to connect to a baseball.
5. Tito looks too content. Soon to be heard at Fenway if they don't turn this around "Fire Francoma."
'sicle