My Points? Cleveland is a City Full of Losers...

Dear Ted,
How do you think Boston will handle Cleveland in the playoffs? My buddy at work says that Lebron hurt his elbow because he takes 35 shots a game. Is that too much? Do you think Boston should be worried about Shaq or he just too fat to play Garnett?

Also is there a way that Selig might allow the Red Sox to only play the Orioles and Blue Jays until August or something? -Britney in Bedfed

Hi,
First off Cleveland is a city full of losers. Lebron will not stay in the cesspool by the lake. He probably hurt his elbow carrying the rest of that team. Shaq is fat, slow and talks like Andre the giant. Sideshow Bob Varejao is yet another soft euro or South American pussy, who weeps every time there's a hint of contact. Cs in six.

The Sox will come around. They have some good young arms, but all that Florida poontang they had in spring training tired them out. Check Beckett's '09 April-identical era and similar peripherals. I learned that from that midget nerd Rosenthal's tweet. Yeah, I read Twitter, assholes. Tedsicle has time, an Internet account and thought twitter might have been some kind of fairy porn. Not gay shit, but little flying people.
Hugs,
'sicle

How to Coach IT, it ain't easy to teach that

Ted,
When the Sox fire 'Coma, would Alcor ever consider letting your head sit in the dug-out? I think you'd make a great managha!

Also, are the Bruins going to get out of the 1st round?
-Wilma in Weymouth

Listen,
I was the greatest hitter who ever lived. It ain't easy to teach that. I tried. I was a manager for a while, but decided that fish could learn more than ballplayers. Most of them either have "it" or they don't. Tito was an average ballplayer, so he knows how to help average ballplayers. Whereas I was a freak of nature. The freaks of nature don't need help - you just turn them loose on the field and get the hell out of their way.

Since I have a new understanding of all things frozen...I think the Bruins get to at least the conference finals, and don't be surprised if they bring a cup home this year. You heard it here first...from a big, cold headsicle in a giant tin can.

XOXOXOX
'sicle

Why aren't the Red Sox hot?

Alcor has me completely wireless in here, it's great. Gives Ted Williams a chance troll. Here she is again, get used to it.
Gotta a question from a loyal reader-

Mr Williams,
Can you tell me why the Red Sox are so bad? -Donny in Dorchester

Sure I can Dohnny,
1. Vlad Guerrero is 53 years old and crippled, and he stole a base last night off Martinez.
2. Jacoby looks good and all, but he has to stop running into guys, all that rah rah shit only goes so far. I hear Trot Nixon is cutting grass in Georgia.
3. Aces - I thought they had three or four, when do they show up?
4. JD Drew - sweet swing, but that swing has yet to connect to a baseball.
5. Tito looks too content. Soon to be heard at Fenway if they don't turn this around "Fire Francoma."
'sicle

Feelings are for Women and Pussies

Dear Ted,
Garnett out for game 2? What's that about? -hotties in Holbrook

Dear Hotties,
The reason Garnett was suspended is because society is filled with pussies who have feelings. Garnett throwing that elbow might have hurt someone if it connected (it didn't), but it did hurt people's feelings. He's too aggressive, and that hurts people's feelings. When I was a pro athlete, we didn't talk to shrinks or
have to worry about people's feelings.
Feelings are for women, and men who carry handbags, not pro athletes. He shouldn't be suspended in the GD playoffs for that. I hope that whiny pants McStern is happy with his merry band of pussies.
-Tedsicle

The Politics Behind a Nice Ass

Politics are something that would come up on my fishing trips. As a wealthy man, I usually vote for the guy who lets Ted hang on to his money. I'm not too sure about current candidates, but I like that Palin lady. Basically, any politician with a nice ass is at least watchable for four years. She also seems to hunt and fish, even if she is shooting Bass with RPGs from a helicopter. As a vice president, I think she should run with Giselle Bunchen or Brady, or whater she calls herself. She's just a big pile of sexy. I bet those two could convince a lot of leaders to do a lot of things and entertain the country at the same time. I'm not sure what their stance is on frozen heads though and that;s the first thing I do when checking out a candidate. -Teddy

AROD?

Nation,
First off, any man who accepts a nickname with "Rod" in it, is probably not a guy I would have hung out with back in the day. I would have been a little worried in the shower, especially if the Irish Spring slipped out of my hands, if you catch my drift. I know he's been linked to all kinds of celebrities, even Madonna, who I was fortunate enough to bang in 1987. I'm willing to bet AROD comes down with some mysterious muscle pull that puts a quick end to his career. Something muscular near the wrists or ankles. All the roiders seem to break down pretty quick when they're off the junk.

Grace Park, bsg

Tiger is Sperm Hat Sorry

Reversing the Curse By Banging a Goat

Dear Ted,
Will the Cubs ever win the World Series? If Soriano fucks a goat, will the curse be broken?

Also, my cousin Donny says you're the greatest hitter who ever lived but I say Joe D. was hitting this and that makes him the greatest. Who was better? -Ricky

Dear Dicky,
The Cubs? How the hell should I know? I'm a severed head not an all-knowing God. But I think the Cubs will win the World Series at some point - law of averages and whatnot. As for goat fucking, I'm thinking that's how you start a curse, not end one.

That son of a bitch DiMaggio had better pieces around him than me(players, not ass). If I played for the Yankees, I'd have hit .500 and 65 homeruns every year. I would have shacked up with Marilyn and her sister at the same time. But Joe D is buried next to that fine piece of poon, while I float next to bloated weirdos who think the world can't live without their knowledge in 1000 years. Also, I married a bunch of models who were hotter and taking less pills than that bimbo drama queen.
-Ted
for your records, Toronto in July looks good to me.

Bass fishing is for rednecks

(Nice game last night.)

Here's a question from a loyal reader...

Ted,
If I remember right, you were fishing when your wife had your daughter. My "wife" says that's morally wrong, but I say a woman can have a baby anytime but the bass only bite once a year in Big River. I'm right, right?

Also Teddy how would you rank the AL EAST teams right now?
-Orlando

Umm,
Listen here dumbass, Bass fishing is for rednecks. I "missed" my ingrate son's birth because I was fishing for Tarpon. I don't fish in muddy puddles, I fish in the Ocean, like a real man.

As for the AL East:

1. Sox - they can actually field a few grounders this year, and Bay was a butcher in left field. This team should win more away games than last year with the outfield speed and strong starters.
2. Rays - Because I like things that swim in Oceans
3. Yankees - Lousy Bullpen and big heads - reminds me of a lot of Sox teams I played for - all stick, no glove or arm. Also, Chan Ho Park is horrible.
4. Who Cares?
5. Who Cares? -T

Greetings from a goddamned tin can

That's right, I'm in a giant tin can floating in a bunch of gunk - well not all of me, just my head.

Yeah, it's true that some asshole used my head for batting practice when it was stuck to a tuna can Tuna Ted Tartare. Also, even though I'm in the middle of the desert, it's 102 degrees below frigging zero. Feels like Fenway on a cold April night, without the longjohns. Really nice.
Enough about old Ted Head. Spring training is coming to an end and the Sox are getting ready to fire up the rivalry on Sunday. Good thing too, the only thing good about spring training - Great fishing down there in Florida. But all the practice, and facing some dork trying to be the fifth in an already rotten Royals rotation who feels he has to prove something against me, the Splendid Splinter. I usually hit about .220 in the Spring, just to give the talentless hacks something to fill their fish wraps with in Boston.

Check in with me from time to time, it's just me, and a few other heads, I've got nothing but time...

Tedsicle