Is Tom Brady going to be okay? and Nuggett Porn

Ted,

Is Tom Brady going to be okay? Is Tom Brady going to be okay? Is Tom Brady going to be okay? Also is watching pornography a sin? Jim in Providence

Jim,

Well, on the one hand, he is okay, but on the other hand he has the haircut of a thirteen year old at a skateboard park. On the one hand he has Giselle, but on the other he has that dimple chin. Too many angles for ths severed head to come up with a clear answer, so I'll go with "yes."

Is watching pornogrpahy a sin? Well, I guess it depends what kind of pornography we're talking about here. Is it Nuggett porn? (That's midgets with no arms or legs) or perhaps my personal favorite: Frozen, Severed head porn?

I guess to each his own. One guy may get off on seeing an ankle, and another on seeing a one armed hooker lick a three legged dog. So I guess it all is and isn't a sin. Just don't let your mom, wife or sister catch you, because that is a huge sin.

'Sicle

What in the Christ is there to love in Detroit right now? Or Roger is Kidding

Teddy,
Should I give a crap about what Johnny Damon wants? Also is Clemens going to jail? -Chico in Billerica

Chico,

Little bit of trivia to get started...Did you know that former Red Sox Chico Walker is former overweight Celtics Star, Antoine Walker's cousin? I heard that somewhere, so it might be a big fat lie.

Johnny Damon - Look, maybe he hates ownership or he owes a Boston bookie 25k. The fact that he "Loves Detroit" should tell you all you need to know. I'm pretty sure if he loves it that much he can pretty much buy it for half a year's salary right now. What in the Christ is there to love in Detroit right now? Cheap real estate? Resplendent Plight? Out of work autoworkers walking around like Zombies? Whatever, he's always been a little off, if you catch my meaning.

Clemens - I think he walks, and here's why. He has never broken character about the Steroids. I personally was convinced something was up when he attempted to behead Mike Piazza for having the gaul to have his splintered bat head in Clemens' general direction. Roger should have stayed in Boston and off the cheater pills. All those cheating GD Yankees were on something. I mean, do you REALLY think DiMaggio could score Marilyn Monroe with those teeth of his?

'Sicle

WWJDD? Heidi Watney

Ted,
Should the Sox really grab Damon or are they blocking him from Tampa and NY? Do you think he'll add anything to the team? Jim, Weymouth

Well, I have to admit to having a certain fondness for every guy who was on the 2004 squad. Though the thought of him lumbering around the outfield or using that dishrag arm to throw the ball to the cut off man on 14 hops would be tough to stomach. On the other hand, the boon to the local strip clubs would invigorate the Boston economy. BUT, he is also saying his gut tells him not to go to Boston, but to stay in Detroit. Did he think when he went to the Yankees that he'd get a standing ovation in Boston? He did say during the 2004 season that he'd never play for NY. Never didn't take too long. I'm sure he told his wife he'd never cheat on her with a butter-faced stripper either, but low and behold he did. With Heidi Watney in Boston, how long will it take STD Johnny to impregnate or infect her? My money is on less than two weeks.

I'm torn, but if that moron doesn't want to return to Boston, screw him, his rag arm and his short hair and clean shave. If he does return, it will be a hero's welcome. Boston fans love redemption.

'sicle

Hold On: Toronto 6, Papelbon 5

Boston 10, Toronto 1

Keep Him Away From Legal Seafood, Please

Teddy,

Will Shaquille O'Neal have an impact on the Celtics? Also is there something Sox staff could rub on Jacoby's vagina??

Donny in Dorchester

Donny,

The Big Aristotle will wreak havoc on buffet lines and purple suit shops. He will personally resurrect the restaurant industry in Boston. He will mainly get fatter, sit on the end of the bench and crack jokes with the other guys wearing suits at the end of the bench. He's a shell of his former self. He was once a freak of nature - a huge Goliath who had serious athletic ability. Now, he has serious gastrointestinal ability. He could literally eat Rajon Rondo, so I would advise someone standing on alert for that at all times. But, if he can get into shape and work hard, he COULD be the final piece of the puzzle to bring down the all-star team they concocted in Miami. He can still put up 15-7 when healthy. He can still post up, and dunk all over people. He is still strong. He's still the Diesel. But for Christ sakes, keep him away from Legal Seafood.

As the newest Celtic, I think Shaq should have a life coach now. Maybe some kind of personal assistant/healthy food-choice chef-type...He's my suggestion=

In addition,

According to reports, D'Ellsbury has removed his Massengil Douche and will be starting in the Outfield tonight against the Cleveland Indians. Francona was quoted as saying "We need a womanly presence in the locker room. Some of these guys forget their manners and it will be nice to have Lady Ells around to keep them honest.We now have a plan though - there will be a team of specialists on-hand at all times who will check Jacoby between every inning, determining if he can play or not"

Larry Lucchino added " We did have to install new tampon dispensers in the locker room to appease Boras, but Jacoby, with his speed and good looks, he sells t-shirts".

Now when I played, we put tape on injuries and played. If we didn't play, the next guy was ready to take our job. (See, Kalish, Ryan). That little sawed off pussy would have been a travelling hair brush salesman, not the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. But hey, the kid has talent, and hopefully we see that and no more broken vagina muscles.

'Sicle

Things Are Lookin' Up Losers

Ted,
Is it time to give up on the Red Sox? Tim, Cambridge

Tim,
What the hell else do we have? The Pats training camp? Bruins salary cap? Golden Girls marathon? Paul Pierce's tweets? I'm full in on the Sox this year. They've won five of six and gained a game on the Yankees and Rays this weekend. They have a big series in NY next week, where they can pick up more games. This thing ain't over. not by a long shot. With Laser Show Pedroia and Fickle Ribbed D'Ellsbury coming back soon, things are looking up for the Sox. I just hope they have enough time to get it done. If not, I'll turn to the continuing Saga of Brian Scalabrine's search for a job. I hear Dunkin Donuts needs an overnight assistant manager.

You don't have to be a genius to see how good this team can be; it just helps that I am. Keep the faith. -'sicle

Mr. Julius Nado, BP 15, Abidjan, Ivory Coast

Dear Teddysicle,

I am Mr. Julius Nado, residence address at BP 15, Abidjan, Ivory Coast. I am the personal lawyer to late Mrs. Tina, a client of mine, whom has a servicing firm affiliated with the Julius Berger road construction in Cote D'Ivoire.

Late Mrs. Tina was awarded a contract worth (US$24,000,000.00) when she was alive and Immediately this contract was signed, an initial amount of (US$11.000, 000.00) was paid to her as mobilization fee to kick off the contract. She duly completed this contract pending when her remaining balance of (US$13,000,000.00) will be paid to her. On 2nd of March 2008, my client, her husband and their four children were involved in a car accident at Cocody, capital city of Ivory Coast. Unfortunately, all the occupants lost their lives.

Not too long after her untimely death, her outstanding balance of US$13,000,000.00 was approved and deposited in a Bank here. Right now the funds are still floating unclaimed in the suspense account of the offshore correspondence payment centre here.

I have reasoned very professionally and I feel it will be legally proper to present you as one of the relative of my deceased client, so that you can be paid the remaining balance of her contract funds left in the Bank, hence I contacted you. I am offering you this opportunity by contacting you to assist in repatriating the fund left behind by my late client before they get confiscated or unserviceable by the Bank where this huge deposit were lodged. The Julius Berger road construction issued me a notice as the Attorney to the deceased to provide the Next of Kin or have the Account confiscated in a shot period of time and since then I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over a year that I have been searching.

I seek your concept to present you as the Next of Kin or family member to the deceased since you are at an advantage, bearing the same surname, so that the proceeds of this remaining balance of her contract funds valued at (US$13,000,000.00) can be paid to you. We shall both share the funds; 60% for me and 40% for you as we proceed.

I have all the necessary Legal Documents that will be used to back up our claim. All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us see this project through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law after the transfer is done.

Thanks and have a wonderful day with your family.
Please contacts me for further details.

Best personal regards,
Mr. Julius Nado (Esq.

Mr. Nado,

Tedsicle is dead, and therefore cannot sign for anything. If only John Henry were alive, he'd be all over this like white on rice. I know he ran with some Nigerian Princes, often pledging lots of my autograph money to invest in their various plans. As far as I know, he grew that money into a giant fortune, and that fortune will be spent reuniting my head with a fit body so I can play LF for the Red Sox again. Actually, I think I'm healing faster than D'Lsbury, with his inverted Vagina, or whatever's wrong with him.

Good luck Jackass,

'Sicle

also a piece of Teddy died today (and that sucks because there isn't that much left)

Manny Ramirez's Annual Hibernation

Teddy,
I see Manny's on the DL. Where do you think he's going on vacation this year?

Dumbass,
It's summer time! That means it's the dog days of summer, which also means Manny Ramirez's annual hibernation. My guess? Manny is going to a bunch of car shows across the US. Do you know where I took my vacations during baseball seasons? That's right, getting shot down over beautiful Korea during the Korean Conflict. Can you imagine these namby pambies going to fight a war? You can't even get D'ellsbury to lift his GD finger to make a phone call to his manager telling him when his vagina or ribs will heal. If he extends his finger, his ribs get sore. Little punk. I took craps with more intestinal fortitude than him.
Hey Manny and Jacoby, get back in the game and stop owrrying about how many pennies you can squeeze out of your next employer.
'sicle

Football and the Kids

Teddy,
Why before each game do they pair up world cup soccer players with young children? Are they the prize for victory?

Shithead,
You have to go back to the origins of the game. England way back before they split with the catholic church. Then it moves over to the main continent (Italy, Portugal, Spain)...All Catholics. The little boys are gifts to the players for performing. The Pope that instituted this was Pope Concilious the Second, who was a famous child lover. He never went anywhere without his flock of children. He became a huge fan of the game, and as a reward to the best players, he would give them each a child. Of course, this was just a ceremony, and the player would return the child to the Pope at the end of the game. Pope Concilious loved to take the kids back to the priory and share his special candle with them.
I'm just glad to see the priests of today are keeping with tradition.

The World Cup and the Asshole

I bet you think I'm going to rail on how stupid soccer is. Boring, not enough scoring, too many Europeans and other various wimpy skinny foreigners. That's where you are wrong (except for the too many Euros part). I grew up in a "soccer hotbed" in Southern California and played some as a kid. I didn't have the stamina to run for 90 minutes, those guys are freaks. But, I respect, even enjoy watching when they set my head up to watch tv (don't ask, it's in the will). Anyway, I was watching the US game last week, the come from behind tie that should have been a win and decided we should invade Mali and kill the referee's family. That would send a clear message to other referees that random anti-american sentiment will not be tolerated. It was a blatantly bad call, with no explanation of what the call was. It would be like if Pedroia was standing on second after a double, and right before the pitcher was to throw the next pitch the umpire would call him out. No rhyme or reason. In fact, what the Slovenian defenders were doing was enough to get a sodomy conviction in Georgia. But then again, typing the word sodomy gets a you a sodomy conviction in Georgia.
After that disgraceful call and theft of a win I wanted to jump up and put my fist through the TV, instead, I spit at it in anger.

The Red Sox - Tedsicle told you they would come out of it. Too much pitching to fail the way they were early in the year.
The Celtics - more spit in anger on the tv - but don't blame Ray Allen. I'm sick of hearing how bad he was. You try to follow Kobe all over the court and then see how good your jump shot is in the 4th quarter when your legs are throbbing. You assholes wouldn't make a free throw. Also, that Vujacic who did nothing all series - what is with the eyebrow spit/smoothing thing you do? It should be banned from the game, plus he's a cheating sodomite from Slovenia. I bet he's got some Mali ancestors too. Asshole.

Ted

Are the Cs going to pull this one out?

Teddy, Are the Cs going to pull this one out?

Course, this is basketball, not my particular area of expertise. Ask me about fishing, flying or hitting a small white ball and I'll have a "for sure" answer for you. But since you asked, yeah, they'll win. I expect them to win the next three in a row, and send the Lakers back to the glorious lakes of LA. You know, I'm from Southern California and it ain't known for their lakes. They probably should have changed their name to something that fits LA a little better...Maybe the "LA Weeping Vaginas" or the "LA Famous Assholes"...Just a suggestion, I'm here to help.

Tedsicle

BP

Nate Robinson Delivers but is Concerned About Kobe; Celtics on to NBA Finals

Playoff Averages: Rebounds 6.2, Assists 4, Steals 1, PPG 19



Boston.com

To the 9s, Rondo is My Homeboy

Like That Smartass Tony C.

Holy Jesus...

Teddy, Why was Brian Scalabrine in uniform in game 2? Is he going to be the Cs secret weapon? -Chip in Danvers

Yeah, red headed white guy who moves like molasses. Great idea, turd for brains. Why do Cs fans love Scalabrine? Because he sucks, has no business in anything other than a janitor's uniform, and they think it's funny, like pesky dunking homeruns off the pole. A gag.

When I hear "{Pesky's pole" it reminds me of a hooker we shared in San Jose in 1958. Stupid Sox marketing. What's next, Butch Hobson's third base line? (Butch was fond of the Bolivian marching powder).

Also, for the love of all things holy or unholy...Rasheed Wallace? I seriously hope that was random picture trickery, because that guy is a lazy punk. Like that smartass Tony C. Yeah, I know, getting plunked in the skull is sad. But after a half of a year...claiming he'd break all my gd records? Who's head is (relatively) intact now, asshole? I know, I know the guy is dead, but so am I so I get some leeway.
Plus, dye that gd white spot, you asshole.

Otherwise, go C& f the whining Yankees and their pussy protesting. You lost, get over it.
Hugs,
'sicle

The End Game: Number 7 = Philly 4, Bruins 3

Teddy, How did this happen?

Don't get your panties in a wad, it's only hockey. April Sox games are more important. Tedsicle can't even figure out how to watch it on tv.
The Celtics look like they dogged the regular season. They look more like the team at 23-5 than the one beaten by the Nets.
Why is there bowling, darts and cheerleading on the worldwide leader in sports, but not hockey?
Though Tedsicle does enjoy a perfectly executed pyramid...

Should I Be Worried About the Bruins?

Teddy,
Are we back? Should I request an October vacation? Also should I be worried about the Bruins? -Jimmy in West Chesta

Well Jimmy,
Here's the deal, as the Red Sox surge the Bruins suck. When the B's were winning the Sox were losing. So, my advice is for the Sox to lose on the nights the Bruins play. Otherwise, yes, you should worry about the Bruins. Without Kreiji (What the hell kind of name is that), and a fully healed Savard, as well as the few defensemen that have been knocked out...I mean this guy is on the first line: Daniel Paille. I'm not sure how to say that last name. Do the "L"s make a sound or are they French and sneaky?

One thing is for sure, never count a team out who has Satan on their side. Go Celtics!! Hugs, Teddy

Right???

Tito, It's Time to Let Dice-K Pitch Like a Man

Teddy,
WTF is this bull about tension in the Sox dugout? -Freddo in Fall Rivha

Frank Listen,
When I played there weren't any goddamned rifts because none of us talked amongst ourselves. Sure I grew to love Bobby, Dom and Johnny, but when it came to playing baseball, it's like going to work. Bring your lunchpail, and play ball. If a player has a greenlight to go when he wants to go, other players don't need to question that, unless they want this crap playing out in the media.

Which it is.

They are off to a slow start, they are playing like crap. They have the pieces to be a very good team. Especially if any of there so called aces decide to show some balls and get through more than the 5th inning. 100 pitches my ass. Boo Ferris never said "my arm hurts, take me out, I need a pitch count and I need to change my maxi pad after five innings." The GD manager won't LET Matsuzaka throw as many pithes as he wants, so it's hard to blame the pitchers only. That kid has a rubber GD arm and should be getting warmed up at 100 pitches. I'm sick of these "million dollar" arms being treated like a bunch of weak armed pussies.

Let them throw Tito.-'sicle

-what pussies do when they're mad
-what men do when they're mad