What in the Christ is there to love in Detroit right now? Or Roger is Kidding

Teddy,
Should I give a crap about what Johnny Damon wants? Also is Clemens going to jail? -Chico in Billerica

Chico,

Little bit of trivia to get started...Did you know that former Red Sox Chico Walker is former overweight Celtics Star, Antoine Walker's cousin? I heard that somewhere, so it might be a big fat lie.

Johnny Damon - Look, maybe he hates ownership or he owes a Boston bookie 25k. The fact that he "Loves Detroit" should tell you all you need to know. I'm pretty sure if he loves it that much he can pretty much buy it for half a year's salary right now. What in the Christ is there to love in Detroit right now? Cheap real estate? Resplendent Plight? Out of work autoworkers walking around like Zombies? Whatever, he's always been a little off, if you catch my meaning.

Clemens - I think he walks, and here's why. He has never broken character about the Steroids. I personally was convinced something was up when he attempted to behead Mike Piazza for having the gaul to have his splintered bat head in Clemens' general direction. Roger should have stayed in Boston and off the cheater pills. All those cheating GD Yankees were on something. I mean, do you REALLY think DiMaggio could score Marilyn Monroe with those teeth of his?

'Sicle

WWJDD? Heidi Watney

Ted,
Should the Sox really grab Damon or are they blocking him from Tampa and NY? Do you think he'll add anything to the team? Jim, Weymouth

Well, I have to admit to having a certain fondness for every guy who was on the 2004 squad. Though the thought of him lumbering around the outfield or using that dishrag arm to throw the ball to the cut off man on 14 hops would be tough to stomach. On the other hand, the boon to the local strip clubs would invigorate the Boston economy. BUT, he is also saying his gut tells him not to go to Boston, but to stay in Detroit. Did he think when he went to the Yankees that he'd get a standing ovation in Boston? He did say during the 2004 season that he'd never play for NY. Never didn't take too long. I'm sure he told his wife he'd never cheat on her with a butter-faced stripper either, but low and behold he did. With Heidi Watney in Boston, how long will it take STD Johnny to impregnate or infect her? My money is on less than two weeks.

I'm torn, but if that moron doesn't want to return to Boston, screw him, his rag arm and his short hair and clean shave. If he does return, it will be a hero's welcome. Boston fans love redemption.

'sicle

Hold On: Toronto 6, Papelbon 5

Boston 10, Toronto 1

Keep Him Away From Legal Seafood, Please

Teddy,

Will Shaquille O'Neal have an impact on the Celtics? Also is there something Sox staff could rub on Jacoby's vagina??

Donny in Dorchester

Donny,

The Big Aristotle will wreak havoc on buffet lines and purple suit shops. He will personally resurrect the restaurant industry in Boston. He will mainly get fatter, sit on the end of the bench and crack jokes with the other guys wearing suits at the end of the bench. He's a shell of his former self. He was once a freak of nature - a huge Goliath who had serious athletic ability. Now, he has serious gastrointestinal ability. He could literally eat Rajon Rondo, so I would advise someone standing on alert for that at all times. But, if he can get into shape and work hard, he COULD be the final piece of the puzzle to bring down the all-star team they concocted in Miami. He can still put up 15-7 when healthy. He can still post up, and dunk all over people. He is still strong. He's still the Diesel. But for Christ sakes, keep him away from Legal Seafood.

As the newest Celtic, I think Shaq should have a life coach now. Maybe some kind of personal assistant/healthy food-choice chef-type...He's my suggestion=

In addition,

According to reports, D'Ellsbury has removed his Massengil Douche and will be starting in the Outfield tonight against the Cleveland Indians. Francona was quoted as saying "We need a womanly presence in the locker room. Some of these guys forget their manners and it will be nice to have Lady Ells around to keep them honest.We now have a plan though - there will be a team of specialists on-hand at all times who will check Jacoby between every inning, determining if he can play or not"

Larry Lucchino added " We did have to install new tampon dispensers in the locker room to appease Boras, but Jacoby, with his speed and good looks, he sells t-shirts".

Now when I played, we put tape on injuries and played. If we didn't play, the next guy was ready to take our job. (See, Kalish, Ryan). That little sawed off pussy would have been a travelling hair brush salesman, not the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. But hey, the kid has talent, and hopefully we see that and no more broken vagina muscles.

'Sicle

Things Are Lookin' Up Losers

Ted,
Is it time to give up on the Red Sox? Tim, Cambridge

Tim,
What the hell else do we have? The Pats training camp? Bruins salary cap? Golden Girls marathon? Paul Pierce's tweets? I'm full in on the Sox this year. They've won five of six and gained a game on the Yankees and Rays this weekend. They have a big series in NY next week, where they can pick up more games. This thing ain't over. not by a long shot. With Laser Show Pedroia and Fickle Ribbed D'Ellsbury coming back soon, things are looking up for the Sox. I just hope they have enough time to get it done. If not, I'll turn to the continuing Saga of Brian Scalabrine's search for a job. I hear Dunkin Donuts needs an overnight assistant manager.

You don't have to be a genius to see how good this team can be; it just helps that I am. Keep the faith. -'sicle