Wasn't Schilling better than Smoltz?

Teddy, Wasn't Schilling better than Smoltz? Louie, Rockpoht

Look Lew, 

I don't even want to talk about that bloated windbag Schilling.  Yeah, bloody sock, thanks for the World Series and all the really insightful political and religious commentary but Schill ain't getting in.  The worst thing in the history of the world is Pedro Martinez being off 49 ballots.  Pedro Freaking Martinez had the two most dominant years in history.  He mowed down steroid users like a champ, while keeping everyone entertained.  He deserves to be on 101% of ballots.  

Randy Johnson's mullet alone was on 83% of the ballots, but if you want my opinion and I know you do because you have already wasted time reading this, RJ was no Pedro.  Why was he on more ballots than Pedro? It makes no sense.  Now Randy Johnson is a bad man, who threw gas from the left side and was nearly unhittable, but Peter Martinez he was not.  

5'10 and 170 pounds (when holding a case of Mangoes), all laughs when he was off the mound and all kinds of ferocity when he was on the mound.  I believe this is a Yankee conspiracy aimed at belittling the greatest pitcher of his era who was also the Yankees' daddy.  (I truly believe that Pedro banged every one of their moms, and honestly, if he asked he could bang mine too.)

(editor's note, question was about Schilly v. Smotlz. God and Bush aside, Schilly is a Boston Baseball god, that alone is a ballot filler)

Who Hacked Sony? Rectal Feed Trebek's Mustache in the Form of a Question

Dear Mr. Teddy,Who really hacked Sony? -Kimberly, Hungul, Korea

Kimmy, As a frozen head, I spend a lot of time assassinating diplomats and banging Asian models in North Korea. I've given the security guards at the Ryongsong Residence their fair share of Cosby Jello shots and had my run of the compound when the Supreme KJ-Un is off on vacation beating slaves to death with a basketball pump. I've banged his whores, smoked his fine imitation cigarettes, and fed his dogs Chinese Arbys (tastes like Uncle). It's a nice palace to spy on, but honestly, I don't see Kim Jung hacking an American movie studio. He loves American movies, even the bad ones and that's a lot because Seth Rogen makes like 11 a year. If I was Sony, I'd put my eyes on Trebek's mustache. That thing's been missing since 2011 and has an ax to grind. It had access to every question ever answered, so that's something, all that high level computer code firewall security stuff that is completely unprotected in every major American corporation is too easy for a big-time dictator to hack, but a smart piece of facial hair.... I'd write more about hacking and other subversive frozen head stuff but I've got to go, Lucy (below) needs advice on how to best case my sausage. Happy Christmas or whatever. Jesus and I both love you. Yours, Teddy

Kate Middleton, Teddy the Father?

Teddy, 
I see Kate is expecting. Tell the truth. Did you make her your governess? -Mitch, Wooster

Mitch,
Sometimes royalty has a problem getting the old staff to stay at full mast. What with all their worrying about polo, social events and trying not to look like their father...So sometimes they might call in a real pro to take care of "business." If the kid has male pattern baldness, wicked quick feet, and a Boston accent... The Frozen Head could be king one day.

The NHL might want to look into this new fangled thing called television

Ted, 
As a frozen head, do you have any suggestions as to how the NHL can figure this thing out? Should they? Does anyone even care about hockey? 

Have you ever considered subbing in as a puck? -Murph, Milton

Tom, 
When I was alive (I mean really alive, and not floating in goo) hockey players were tough and played for next to nothing.  Why? Because they loved the game.  

The poor owners are only raking in hundreds of millions off these athletes, and not billions.  It's embarrassing to only have 136 ft yacht and not 157 footer. Also, the NHL might want to look into this new fangled thing called television.  If I have to watch on Versus or the Mountain Channel, I'm probably not finding that on my remote.  I'm disgusted there's no hockey because as a frozen athlete, it's the closest sport to my present state.  I guess I'll have to go back to watching competitive ice fishing.

-Tedsicle

Wish I had hands. Or even one...

Is that Too Much LeBrons?

Last night I was watching LeBron play basketball and during each commercial break there was a commercial either about:

1) LeBron playing basketball 

2) LeBron talking about how good he is at playing basketball

0r 3) LeBron talking about how other people think about how good he is or isn't at playing basketball

He did all of these things while either using a new cell phone or eating a juicy cheese burger. 

'Sicle, Is that too much LeBron? Should we get used to a one player league? Maybe all the players could change their names to LeBron to make it easier on the announcers and fans. What do you think?

Dear LeJohn,

Look LeBron was not the first athlete to try to do it all.  Bugs Bunny took on the NY Giants in a game of baseball and I believe he opened up a can of whoop-ass on them. While its true the LeBrons beat the Celtics last night, when the LeBron formerly known as Ray Allen gets a full season of cutting on his 73 year old ankles, he won't be hoisting up those three pointers with ease.  Also, the LeBron known as Dwayne Wade was not sharp and I bet he needs knee surgery before the end of the year.  Lastly the LeBron known as Tyranasaurus Bosh has a tendency to become extinct in the Playoffs.

Hugs from the Tin Can, XXOO -T

I Have GOT to get out of this Tin Can

I'll have the fish please.

Sorry Kittens, Maybe Next Year

Teddy,
Should we feel bad for Detroit? -Ron, Barrington

Don,
No. And I'll tell you why you should be pissed at Detroit. Because they went so far in the postseason, made A-Rod cry, and had the best manager. Any manager who chain smokes in the dugout, gets the Teddy seal of approval, reminds me of The Mick. Don't get me wrong, Theodore loves the planet, being green... recycling, like my head being used AS A BOUNCY BALL.

But John Farrell is like Tito's alter ego (now with hair!) He didn't do diddly shit in Toronto with a pretty talented team, and let's not forget that Beckett was fat when Farrell was the pitching coach. I guess it would have been nice for the citizens of the US city voted most like Chernobyl. Actually, despite being empty, Chernobyl shows more signs of economic hope. Sorry Kittens, Maybe next year....

-Teddy

Does it Hurt that Much?

Some players are tough as nails. Others cry when their pink nail polish gets chipped. AROD is a part of one of those two groups. He has been known to eat glove, slap balls and cry when things don't go his way. He flexes in front of mirrors, dates women with bigger biceps than his own and spends more money on hair products than most third world nations spend on food. I'm sure it hurts when you break a bone in your hand, but does it hurt as much as AROD leads us to believe? I believe he suffers from hypersensitivity, or as Sully from Staughton calls it "soft wrists." Teddy ALSO- From loyal reader MannysPS2 : Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahaha AROD has NUTS? I think he wouldn't even feel a crotch shot! From loyal reader Chucky, at Norway Novelties: Jesus, I thought somebody had shot him in the nuts he was crying so hard. Typical Yankee pussy One of the interns from the college has a birthday today (23). Good working BB. I am giving you this. Enjoy she has served me well:

Teddy, I know you've had a lot of women. Have you ever chowderboxed LeBron's mom?

A lot is a huge understatement, but I do not believe Mrs. LeBron (LeBronica?) and I have done the deed.  She's about 30 years too old for the Teddy.  It takes a young filly to satisfy this frozen head. Just because half the NBA has tapped that, doesn't mean I've has been there, done that (but it's always good to assume eventualities, there are a finite amount of women in the world). 


Go Celtics and speaking of Phillys. I may have to help myself to some cheese steaks hoagies while I shag some 6er wives. Keep cool-T

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