Keep Him Away From Legal Seafood, Please

Teddy,

Will Shaquille O'Neal have an impact on the Celtics? Also is there something Sox staff could rub on Jacoby's vagina??

Donny in Dorchester

Donny,

The Big Aristotle will wreak havoc on buffet lines and purple suit shops. He will personally resurrect the restaurant industry in Boston. He will mainly get fatter, sit on the end of the bench and crack jokes with the other guys wearing suits at the end of the bench. He's a shell of his former self. He was once a freak of nature - a huge Goliath who had serious athletic ability. Now, he has serious gastrointestinal ability. He could literally eat Rajon Rondo, so I would advise someone standing on alert for that at all times. But, if he can get into shape and work hard, he COULD be the final piece of the puzzle to bring down the all-star team they concocted in Miami. He can still put up 15-7 when healthy. He can still post up, and dunk all over people. He is still strong. He's still the Diesel. But for Christ sakes, keep him away from Legal Seafood.

As the newest Celtic, I think Shaq should have a life coach now. Maybe some kind of personal assistant/healthy food-choice chef-type...He's my suggestion=

In addition,

According to reports, D'Ellsbury has removed his Massengil Douche and will be starting in the Outfield tonight against the Cleveland Indians. Francona was quoted as saying "We need a womanly presence in the locker room. Some of these guys forget their manners and it will be nice to have Lady Ells around to keep them honest.We now have a plan though - there will be a team of specialists on-hand at all times who will check Jacoby between every inning, determining if he can play or not"

Larry Lucchino added " We did have to install new tampon dispensers in the locker room to appease Boras, but Jacoby, with his speed and good looks, he sells t-shirts".

Now when I played, we put tape on injuries and played. If we didn't play, the next guy was ready to take our job. (See, Kalish, Ryan). That little sawed off pussy would have been a travelling hair brush salesman, not the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. But hey, the kid has talent, and hopefully we see that and no more broken vagina muscles.

'Sicle