Reversing the Curse By Banging a Goat

Dear Ted,
Will the Cubs ever win the World Series? If Soriano fucks a goat, will the curse be broken?

Also, my cousin Donny says you're the greatest hitter who ever lived but I say Joe D. was hitting this and that makes him the greatest. Who was better? -Ricky

Dear Dicky,
The Cubs? How the hell should I know? I'm a severed head not an all-knowing God. But I think the Cubs will win the World Series at some point - law of averages and whatnot. As for goat fucking, I'm thinking that's how you start a curse, not end one.

That son of a bitch DiMaggio had better pieces around him than me(players, not ass). If I played for the Yankees, I'd have hit .500 and 65 homeruns every year. I would have shacked up with Marilyn and her sister at the same time. But Joe D is buried next to that fine piece of poon, while I float next to bloated weirdos who think the world can't live without their knowledge in 1000 years. Also, I married a bunch of models who were hotter and taking less pills than that bimbo drama queen.
-Ted
for your records, Toronto in July looks good to me.